I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I walked into the outpatient hospital. I just knew that I needed help. I saw things that I will never forget and things that will surely change my outlook on life. I started in the Partial hospitalization and eventually graduated into the Intensive Outpatient part of the program. I was in with other people who attempted suicide, those who were struggling with depression, anxiety, and serious addiction. I was there everyday for about 3 months, and it turned out being something I will be forever thankful for. We all shared our life stories, listened to each other, and offered ways to help each other. This was all moderated by a mental health counselor. I am not going to share the stories of what I saw in the hospital via internet, but feel free to ask me any questions when you see me in person.
Another thing that changed me was my Psychologist. He has been nothing short but a miracle in my life. I would see him every week when I was released from the hospital. When I was in the hospital and was not allowed to talk to him, he would call my mom to check in on me. He just understood me. I could tell him anything and he just got it. He knew exactly what to say and how to say it. Whenever I left there I felt like a completely different person. Unfortunately, in the beginning it only lasted for a couple hours.
However, they say that time heals pain. And it does. As time went on, I learned new coping skills. Whether it was getting over my parents being split, me living at my aunt and uncles, my breakup, my Tourette's, or anything else I learned how to deal.
My experience in the hospital and with my psychologist is what got me interested in psychology. I want to be exactly like my psychologist and help people who are going through similar feelings that I had. I have been relating all of my skills I learned and the things I saw to my classes, and it has been paying off. People tell me I am very easy to talk to, and I understand everything. I want to try and take these skills and turn them into a career. I can now say I have finally found my calling.
Folks, life is good. Being able to go into a Starbucks now and do my homework is something I never thought I'd be able to do, but always wanted to. The fact that I am living with my best friends at school and how they went out of their way to let me live with them is amazing. Even the fact that I am going back to Marist and am EXCITED about it is something I thought would never happen.
Honestly, you just have to live. Life is too short to think twice. Love with all your heart, but don't give your heart out to everyone. Give it to those who DESERVE it. People will come and they will go, but the ones that are meant to be there will always be there. Actually, some people are only there for a little while, but that's all they are supposed to be there for. Everyone in your life plays a special role and has a special impact. To everyone reading this, you are special to me. The fact that people will go out of their way to read what I have to say about MY life tells me how important I am to some people. I wish I could name everyone on here who has changed my life, but I don't want to leave people out. However, my mom, aunts, uncle, cousins in New Jersey and Oregon, my Marist housemates and our friends, and a few people at home will be forever in my heart. You all mean the world to me. This as I just received a text from a Marist friend saying "we can't wait to see you tomorrow."
I'm going to end this post by telling people to be nice and to love. Hold a door for someone, let someone turn before you when driving, give tips to cashiers, have a firm handshake, smile, say "Thank You" too many times, have a long conversation with a friend over coffee, have a long conversation with a stranger over coffee, exercise, do an honest day's work and then relax, sit outside and have an iced tea, be true to yourself, be an honest person, learn CPR, keep in touch with people, and finally, fall in love.
Friday, July 15, 2011
My Journey #1
First and foremost, I'm sorry that I have not been keeping up to date with my blog. I guess you can say that "life got in the way." I've been working seven (7) days a week, managing to keep up with my two online summer classes, and attempting to have a social life. Now that I am leaving one of my jobs, I should be able to keep this updated better.
Anyway, the title of this post is called "My Journey #1." I have been contemplating for a while on where I should take this blog and I couldn't really find a direction, so I came to the conclusion that I am just going to write. We already went into my dealings with Tourette's, so now I guess we can go into what really started to go downhill for me in the summer of 2010 and the beginning of the school year.
Last summer is when it all came crumbling down. My mom and I decided to move out of my house because conflict with my parents grew to be unreasonable. We had (and still have) the most gracious, thoughtful, and supportive family and friends we could ask for. My aunt and uncle provided us with the opportunity to move in with them. We had no choice but to accept. I can speak for myself and for my mom that we will be FOREVER grateful to them and the rest of our family. This and the harassment I received because of my Tourette's was hard enough, because all I wanted to do was live in my house, in my town near my friends.
The summer went on, and I finally left for school. I couldn't have been more excited for school. I was doing a major I was really interested in (Radio/TV/Film), I was living with my friends in the upperclassmen housing, and I had my girlfriend. What I was most happy about was that I was getting away from the reality that was my home life and escaping to a place where I knew I would be distracted from it, but then here it goes... Not even a month after school started, my girlfriend and I broke up and that was the icing on the cake for me. This put the final straw on my debacle of a life, and I didn't want to live like this anymore. I stopped going to class, I didn't eat any food for 24 hours straight, slept the entire day and night, didn't shower, and just didn't care about me. My parents didn't understand the depth of how depressed I was, until something happened one night and the next morning. The next part of this may be a bit tense, for the record.
I will remember this night for the rest of my life. It was 1 in the morning and I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't get the thought of killing myself off of my mind. I was trying to just block it out and fall asleep, but the idea just seemed to be my only way out. It was raining out. Everyone in my apartment was asleep. (This is a rarity). I finally got out of bed and walked outside. The only thing I could think of was to jump off the Mid-Hudson bridge in Poughkeespie. I was fighting with myself, my life, and apparently the inner demon that had taken over my mind. I finally went outside, sat in the rain and cried. I e-mailed my mom, dad, and psychologist the next day and told them what I had contemplated. The immediate decision was made to get me out of school that day. I was admitted into a hospital that Monday, and my life was changed from that point forward...
Anyway, the title of this post is called "My Journey #1." I have been contemplating for a while on where I should take this blog and I couldn't really find a direction, so I came to the conclusion that I am just going to write. We already went into my dealings with Tourette's, so now I guess we can go into what really started to go downhill for me in the summer of 2010 and the beginning of the school year.
Last summer is when it all came crumbling down. My mom and I decided to move out of my house because conflict with my parents grew to be unreasonable. We had (and still have) the most gracious, thoughtful, and supportive family and friends we could ask for. My aunt and uncle provided us with the opportunity to move in with them. We had no choice but to accept. I can speak for myself and for my mom that we will be FOREVER grateful to them and the rest of our family. This and the harassment I received because of my Tourette's was hard enough, because all I wanted to do was live in my house, in my town near my friends.
The summer went on, and I finally left for school. I couldn't have been more excited for school. I was doing a major I was really interested in (Radio/TV/Film), I was living with my friends in the upperclassmen housing, and I had my girlfriend. What I was most happy about was that I was getting away from the reality that was my home life and escaping to a place where I knew I would be distracted from it, but then here it goes... Not even a month after school started, my girlfriend and I broke up and that was the icing on the cake for me. This put the final straw on my debacle of a life, and I didn't want to live like this anymore. I stopped going to class, I didn't eat any food for 24 hours straight, slept the entire day and night, didn't shower, and just didn't care about me. My parents didn't understand the depth of how depressed I was, until something happened one night and the next morning. The next part of this may be a bit tense, for the record.
I will remember this night for the rest of my life. It was 1 in the morning and I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't get the thought of killing myself off of my mind. I was trying to just block it out and fall asleep, but the idea just seemed to be my only way out. It was raining out. Everyone in my apartment was asleep. (This is a rarity). I finally got out of bed and walked outside. The only thing I could think of was to jump off the Mid-Hudson bridge in Poughkeespie. I was fighting with myself, my life, and apparently the inner demon that had taken over my mind. I finally went outside, sat in the rain and cried. I e-mailed my mom, dad, and psychologist the next day and told them what I had contemplated. The immediate decision was made to get me out of school that day. I was admitted into a hospital that Monday, and my life was changed from that point forward...
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